No strength

What I told myself ? This isn't suppose to happen not anymore. I just don't have this strength to hold on.. It's happening and I can't do anything about it. I've told my friends. 3 of them. Only ones I trust. Two days ago I broke down, I was close to getting pills, I imagined my mom coming in, "what's wrong?!" & I screamed "I want to die" and I told my boys, "I love you guys so much" & I hit myself with my pillow and I cried harder than ever. I was ready to die, happiness or die giving up? I didn't even know anymore. & truth be told I don't know right now either.
I want to help people over come this they go before me, I had my chance I took it and now I'm sinking. I'm an idiot. Whatever happens I hope I managed to save a few lives. I hope more live on and say I beat this, and help more people. Wouldn't that be... Amazing? Well... I make no promises. Also I was cutting this apple & I was close to the stove & I told my mom, "Mom! The stove is going to burn me and I'm gonna die!" What she responded, "Stop being silly! You're too young to die."
I was prepared to cry right then and there, "Too young to die." Mom you have no idea what has been happening, I love you but I might do something stupid and I hope one day after I do it, you'll forgive me.

It's happening again.

It's happening. I can see the way Im getting sadder. The moment I feel that I can't get help anymore how worthless everything seems..
Im so scared.
I don't want to pull more fake smiles and fake laughs anymore...
Im shaking and crying as I type this.. It's happening and I can't control it anymore.