I'm sorry

I want to say my sister did this, but I know she didn't. these scars hurt for the moment but will stay forever. I wish I would have gone with my parents. I miss them so much. I don't want to be here, I want to be with someone who cares and I don't think I have anyone like that. Yes I have Diana, Jackie, Daniela, and more but I feel like I bother them too much, all I do is cause problems. It's the third or second night I've cried. well in a row. I don't want to be here. I want to be alone, and I want to sleep and have no worries. Why can't I just be happy and know afterward everything will be fine, everything. And I don't want to be told it while I'm on earth because it is a lie. I want to go somewhere where I don't need to worry

music.. is probably my best friend. Ed sheeran, wow. "When I need to get home, you're my guiding light" Why don't I have a guiding light... Set me free, someone.

No strength

What I told myself ? This isn't suppose to happen not anymore. I just don't have this strength to hold on.. It's happening and I can't do anything about it. I've told my friends. 3 of them. Only ones I trust. Two days ago I broke down, I was close to getting pills, I imagined my mom coming in, "what's wrong?!" & I screamed "I want to die" and I told my boys, "I love you guys so much" & I hit myself with my pillow and I cried harder than ever. I was ready to die, happiness or die giving up? I didn't even know anymore. & truth be told I don't know right now either.
I want to help people over come this they go before me, I had my chance I took it and now I'm sinking. I'm an idiot. Whatever happens I hope I managed to save a few lives. I hope more live on and say I beat this, and help more people. Wouldn't that be... Amazing? Well... I make no promises. Also I was cutting this apple & I was close to the stove & I told my mom, "Mom! The stove is going to burn me and I'm gonna die!" What she responded, "Stop being silly! You're too young to die."
I was prepared to cry right then and there, "Too young to die." Mom you have no idea what has been happening, I love you but I might do something stupid and I hope one day after I do it, you'll forgive me.

It's happening again.

It's happening. I can see the way Im getting sadder. The moment I feel that I can't get help anymore how worthless everything seems..
Im so scared.
I don't want to pull more fake smiles and fake laughs anymore...
Im shaking and crying as I type this.. It's happening and I can't control it anymore.

Suicide

Someone tweeted I'm so sorry.. No one knew what she was talking about and she later tweeted 'Tell the boys I love them' & 'I've lost count on how many pills I've taken' she's gone. I just can't believe this, I'm crying in tears. How can someone just end their life like that, she was apart of our fandom, she was literally family. It's like losing a sister, I didn't know her but she was a person a human being and I care. Now she's gone...
RIP. <3 you're in a better place sweetheart.

Desire to stay fit

I just want to be skinny, I just want to be able to wear what I'd like and be happy about it! I just can't seem to do that so much. It makes me feel so insecure & I'm trying to lose the fat I have & don't need by exercising but sometimes I have those days where I'm like 'Why am I trying?' & it's so weird. It brings me down so much, and I don't want to go back to being depressed, I will not. Many people aren't lucky by getting out of depression like me, so I will fight to stay strong. I will not bring myself down just because I want to be fit. I will not allow it.
I will achieve what I want by being strong.

Wow.

I haven't written in such a long time, I look back at every post and see how depressed and alone I felt. It makes me want to cry just reading all of it. I was so silly & confused, I'm just so glad to no longer be depressed. Without my brother and my friend by my side, I wouldn't be alive. I should thank them every single day. I love them and I just don't know what I would do without them. 

I see the post about me being heartbroken. tears my heart apart, I'm finally over him. How and when did this happen? It's so strange. 

I'm someone new now, I write a fanfiction as silly as that may seem but it's actually doing quite well, it has a lot of reads and a lot of people depend on my to update every now & then. It's great because writing is just my passion. I love it. 

I have new friends. I'm me now. No more crying. No more suffering. I got tired of being quiet and alone, I want to be me, loud and crazy. I'm tired of hiding who I am... This new person, I like her a lot. Well it has its struggles but I'm trying my best to manage them, I really am. 
Everyday is new opportunity and I have to say, I'm not going to take any day for granted anymore. 

 

Missing my friends

I miss them so much.. I can't explain how much... I just want to see them again. I really want to see one friend mainly.... Hes the sweetest person ever and he's the one person I'm dying to see. I have dreams about him and I just miss more and more... I explain to one of my other friends that I miss him and she tells me I'll see him soon...
Everyday I have to tell her about him.. I've messed up this kind of thing before and I don't want to mess up a second time... I just need to see him and talk to him. I miss him so much. The pain of not seeing him hurts so much. I just want to hug him, share laughs, talk, and just be together. I miss other friends of course, but I talk to them once awhile. So I'm not too sad about missing them. Being sad all the time and my family just stare at me and wonder... I guess the teenage years do that.
#IMissmyBro.