Life Now?

I've been going through a rough time. I break down more often and get so angry for the smallest things. it has not been easy but I somehow am managing. I've been thinking lately how time is passing really quick and I'm growing up, it's a sad reality. 

I've cut myself more often, it's calming and I do it when I have too much on my mind at night, I sleep calm with a cut or two stinging a bit. I've had break downs where I want to tell my parents but I'm so scared, I'm their last daughter and I have to make them proud or something. My life line for the past year had been one direction, I personally don't care what anybody has to say about it because they truly made me happy, but they had been keeping me alive. I'm slipping up and I can feel myself breaking lose from any sort of grip to keep me alive. I don't bother anymore, putting on a seat belt, cleaning my wounds, looking both ways to cross the street, and many other simply things like that... I had a thing were if I died it were to be on my terms but now a days I just don't care. I hate that I can't be normal, I can't eat correctly occasionally starving myself or just eating until I can't eat anymore. My moods switch instantly too, I don't know what to do. It's bad that I say I don't want the sadness to go away it's become apart of me but then my other half, my old me, is crying loudly to get out. 

I don't know

I've tried to keep up with this and write what I feel but it has been so hard. I'm really starting to think when my death will come like it might be soon? I don't know. I've tried to write notes to people but I can't do it. I feel so lonely but I smile and laugh everyday I know I can still do that stuff but im still sad at the end of the day. I took in cutting but my scars have healed since the last time. I'm constantly worrying about my weight too. 

I'm tired of talking to people, hell im tired of just writing this. I don't feel like writing maybe another day. 

I'm sorry

I want to say my sister did this, but I know she didn't. these scars hurt for the moment but will stay forever. I wish I would have gone with my parents. I miss them so much. I don't want to be here, I want to be with someone who cares and I don't think I have anyone like that. Yes I have Diana, Jackie, Daniela, and more but I feel like I bother them too much, all I do is cause problems. It's the third or second night I've cried. well in a row. I don't want to be here. I want to be alone, and I want to sleep and have no worries. Why can't I just be happy and know afterward everything will be fine, everything. And I don't want to be told it while I'm on earth because it is a lie. I want to go somewhere where I don't need to worry

music.. is probably my best friend. Ed sheeran, wow. "When I need to get home, you're my guiding light" Why don't I have a guiding light... Set me free, someone.

No strength

What I told myself ? This isn't suppose to happen not anymore. I just don't have this strength to hold on.. It's happening and I can't do anything about it. I've told my friends. 3 of them. Only ones I trust. Two days ago I broke down, I was close to getting pills, I imagined my mom coming in, "what's wrong?!" & I screamed "I want to die" and I told my boys, "I love you guys so much" & I hit myself with my pillow and I cried harder than ever. I was ready to die, happiness or die giving up? I didn't even know anymore. & truth be told I don't know right now either.
I want to help people over come this they go before me, I had my chance I took it and now I'm sinking. I'm an idiot. Whatever happens I hope I managed to save a few lives. I hope more live on and say I beat this, and help more people. Wouldn't that be... Amazing? Well... I make no promises. Also I was cutting this apple & I was close to the stove & I told my mom, "Mom! The stove is going to burn me and I'm gonna die!" What she responded, "Stop being silly! You're too young to die."
I was prepared to cry right then and there, "Too young to die." Mom you have no idea what has been happening, I love you but I might do something stupid and I hope one day after I do it, you'll forgive me.

It's happening again.

It's happening. I can see the way Im getting sadder. The moment I feel that I can't get help anymore how worthless everything seems..
Im so scared.
I don't want to pull more fake smiles and fake laughs anymore...
Im shaking and crying as I type this.. It's happening and I can't control it anymore.

Suicide

Someone tweeted I'm so sorry.. No one knew what she was talking about and she later tweeted 'Tell the boys I love them' & 'I've lost count on how many pills I've taken' she's gone. I just can't believe this, I'm crying in tears. How can someone just end their life like that, she was apart of our fandom, she was literally family. It's like losing a sister, I didn't know her but she was a person a human being and I care. Now she's gone...
RIP. <3 you're in a better place sweetheart.

Desire to stay fit

I just want to be skinny, I just want to be able to wear what I'd like and be happy about it! I just can't seem to do that so much. It makes me feel so insecure & I'm trying to lose the fat I have & don't need by exercising but sometimes I have those days where I'm like 'Why am I trying?' & it's so weird. It brings me down so much, and I don't want to go back to being depressed, I will not. Many people aren't lucky by getting out of depression like me, so I will fight to stay strong. I will not bring myself down just because I want to be fit. I will not allow it.
I will achieve what I want by being strong.