I don't know

I've tried to keep up with this and write what I feel but it has been so hard. I'm really starting to think when my death will come like it might be soon? I don't know. I've tried to write notes to people but I can't do it. I feel so lonely but I smile and laugh everyday I know I can still do that stuff but im still sad at the end of the day. I took in cutting but my scars have healed since the last time. I'm constantly worrying about my weight too. 

I'm tired of talking to people, hell im tired of just writing this. I don't feel like writing maybe another day. 

I'm sorry

I want to say my sister did this, but I know she didn't. these scars hurt for the moment but will stay forever. I wish I would have gone with my parents. I miss them so much. I don't want to be here, I want to be with someone who cares and I don't think I have anyone like that. Yes I have Diana, Jackie, Daniela, and more but I feel like I bother them too much, all I do is cause problems. It's the third or second night I've cried. well in a row. I don't want to be here. I want to be alone, and I want to sleep and have no worries. Why can't I just be happy and know afterward everything will be fine, everything. And I don't want to be told it while I'm on earth because it is a lie. I want to go somewhere where I don't need to worry

music.. is probably my best friend. Ed sheeran, wow. "When I need to get home, you're my guiding light" Why don't I have a guiding light... Set me free, someone.

No strength

What I told myself ? This isn't suppose to happen not anymore. I just don't have this strength to hold on.. It's happening and I can't do anything about it. I've told my friends. 3 of them. Only ones I trust. Two days ago I broke down, I was close to getting pills, I imagined my mom coming in, "what's wrong?!" & I screamed "I want to die" and I told my boys, "I love you guys so much" & I hit myself with my pillow and I cried harder than ever. I was ready to die, happiness or die giving up? I didn't even know anymore. & truth be told I don't know right now either.
I want to help people over come this they go before me, I had my chance I took it and now I'm sinking. I'm an idiot. Whatever happens I hope I managed to save a few lives. I hope more live on and say I beat this, and help more people. Wouldn't that be... Amazing? Well... I make no promises. Also I was cutting this apple & I was close to the stove & I told my mom, "Mom! The stove is going to burn me and I'm gonna die!" What she responded, "Stop being silly! You're too young to die."
I was prepared to cry right then and there, "Too young to die." Mom you have no idea what has been happening, I love you but I might do something stupid and I hope one day after I do it, you'll forgive me.

It's happening again.

It's happening. I can see the way Im getting sadder. The moment I feel that I can't get help anymore how worthless everything seems..
Im so scared.
I don't want to pull more fake smiles and fake laughs anymore...
Im shaking and crying as I type this.. It's happening and I can't control it anymore.

Suicide

Someone tweeted I'm so sorry.. No one knew what she was talking about and she later tweeted 'Tell the boys I love them' & 'I've lost count on how many pills I've taken' she's gone. I just can't believe this, I'm crying in tears. How can someone just end their life like that, she was apart of our fandom, she was literally family. It's like losing a sister, I didn't know her but she was a person a human being and I care. Now she's gone...
RIP. <3 you're in a better place sweetheart.

Desire to stay fit

I just want to be skinny, I just want to be able to wear what I'd like and be happy about it! I just can't seem to do that so much. It makes me feel so insecure & I'm trying to lose the fat I have & don't need by exercising but sometimes I have those days where I'm like 'Why am I trying?' & it's so weird. It brings me down so much, and I don't want to go back to being depressed, I will not. Many people aren't lucky by getting out of depression like me, so I will fight to stay strong. I will not bring myself down just because I want to be fit. I will not allow it.
I will achieve what I want by being strong.

Wow.

I haven't written in such a long time, I look back at every post and see how depressed and alone I felt. It makes me want to cry just reading all of it. I was so silly & confused, I'm just so glad to no longer be depressed. Without my brother and my friend by my side, I wouldn't be alive. I should thank them every single day. I love them and I just don't know what I would do without them. 

I see the post about me being heartbroken. tears my heart apart, I'm finally over him. How and when did this happen? It's so strange. 

I'm someone new now, I write a fanfiction as silly as that may seem but it's actually doing quite well, it has a lot of reads and a lot of people depend on my to update every now & then. It's great because writing is just my passion. I love it. 

I have new friends. I'm me now. No more crying. No more suffering. I got tired of being quiet and alone, I want to be me, loud and crazy. I'm tired of hiding who I am... This new person, I like her a lot. Well it has its struggles but I'm trying my best to manage them, I really am. 
Everyday is new opportunity and I have to say, I'm not going to take any day for granted anymore.