Depression

I have to admit, I have depression. It was hard to admit it but why? I have to say I made fun of commercials that I saw, and then seeing how they were sad and just so tired all the time. I get it, it's not easy when you actually have the disorder. I'm so tired all the time, and sad. I even cry for no reason at all. I actually had to sleep in my parents room because I was scared, and why? I don't know. I was feeling weird well not weird because I'm used to the feeling. But, I can't explain it. People think that its a phase that preteens or teens have in their life but it isnt! It's more than just a "phase" when you're so scared that you have to sleep with your parents even though you had a choice to pick your room or your parents. I'm almost 13! For me this is not normal. I shake as if I'm freezing. 
I'm always sleepy and tired but I have problems sleeping so.? I almost never eat, I never talk to my family, and I lost my sense of excitement too. Shouldn't every kid be excited for Christmas? Well, I'm not well  at least not anymore. I wish I was like any ordinary 12-13 year old. Why did I have to have this happen to me?! I always put a smile when I see family just so they know "I'm ok" But it's all lies. If I tell someone, (which I probably won't) I know that it would just put my family in more issues than what we already are in. I don't know what to do anymore. 

...

Knowing someone you care about and love is going through the same things as you are. It hurts. Its one of the worst pain that anyone could have. I'm scared, Life tells you to do watever the hell it wants you to do. Well Im scared that lifes gonna tell me to end mine. Its not easy, I use to make fun but actually having it hurts. I talk through it with my friend andi guess talking doesnt help. Im scared and I dont know what im feeling. Lonely? Scared? I dont know. Hopefully we both get through the night. 

Love Hurts

I keep thinking to myself, "If you love him, let him go. If he comes back he was always mine." But I also think to myself, If i let him go, would he come back? I love him with all my heart but what if it did happen. Every time  I think about him or say his name, I feel my heart beat faster literally. I wish I knew his feelings... and I wish he knew mine. </3

R.I.P

Sadness fills the room, in realization that he's gone. He may not be with us but he will surely be remembered. Although he only lived 7 months, I got too attached as any person would. He died 1/19/12 may he rest in peace. Seeing him... not a breath comes out... I miss seeing him. Yes, he was small, and not noticed very much and our pet cat loved him. He is in a better place now. He will be missed by everyone. He had a space in my heart, which can't be filled by anyone or anything. May he rest in peace.   Chicharito Gonzalez  9/4/11-1/19/12 
The fish that lived 7 months. I love you...

True Feelings

People think I'm an ordinary girl and I'm brave, but I'm not. I say I'll take a punch any day, but I'd think I'd cry within the first punch. Haha. But it is true, I'm terrified of just getting in trouble at school. I'm very difficult to understand, I guess I'm just one of a kind.  

Lie.

I live a lie. Most people know me as a quiet person, only my friends know me truly. Or so they think. Not even family knows me. It's my lie. The only people in on it is Me, myself, and I.

No one knows, sometimes I get scared that people would find out the truth but no one ever does. I want to stop it but I keep forcing myself to continue. I just can't though because my life would just mean nothing again. I wish I could tell someone, but it just seems like you can't trust anyone. It's a ridiculous lie, my friends think its real but it's not. Sometimes I get scared, I feel terrible.... No, the word for what I feel about it is something I can't describe. I feel trapped with this lie like a

butterfly trying to escape the net. The trick is that it never escapes. I cannot tell anyone, everyone would hate Me, I don't want to lose my friends. Even a note my cousin, who is my best friend, writes "I could trust you because I know you're not a liar." Each and every time I read it, I feel like I could just die knowing they don't know the truth.  

Him

Him, he's adorable, funny, the best smile, mysterious, HILARIOUS!, and he listens, he doesnt get mad.... Sounds like the perfect guy right? He is, thats why I love him. I met him 2 years ago,we were best friends, he listened and when i got hurt and got scars he didnt care he asked if i was ok and that was that he acted completely normal. He knows i dont like taking attention, he got that. If i talked he'd stare into my eyes and laugh at the lamest jokes i had. When he laughed I laughed just because i got to hear his laugh. He was so nice! He was perfect. And I loved him. On facebook, we talked for the longest time. The most time was 7 hours and  sometimes it lasted 2-6 hours. The only reason we stopped at like 6 hours was because we had dinner. The next day we talked more and more. He was my best friend. Now we dont talk. Its sad. And i miss him. I try to talk but he's always around that other girl. I dont hate her, im  just jealous. 

It's just a life...

It's just my life. I hate it most of the time. Sometimes I wonder if its even worth it. I dont know but I know if I'm here, I'm here for a reason. I dont like it because my life's a lie. At times I love my life but only to let other people know I'm fine. Behind my smile, It's just a girl slowly dying. It may just be a life but It's my life, and I'm going spend each and every day like it's my last.