Life Now?

I've been going through a rough time. I break down more often and get so angry for the smallest things. it has not been easy but I somehow am managing. I've been thinking lately how time is passing really quick and I'm growing up, it's a sad reality. 

I've cut myself more often, it's calming and I do it when I have too much on my mind at night, I sleep calm with a cut or two stinging a bit. I've had break downs where I want to tell my parents but I'm so scared, I'm their last daughter and I have to make them proud or something. My life line for the past year had been one direction, I personally don't care what anybody has to say about it because they truly made me happy, but they had been keeping me alive. I'm slipping up and I can feel myself breaking lose from any sort of grip to keep me alive. I don't bother anymore, putting on a seat belt, cleaning my wounds, looking both ways to cross the street, and many other simply things like that... I had a thing were if I died it were to be on my terms but now a days I just don't care. I hate that I can't be normal, I can't eat correctly occasionally starving myself or just eating until I can't eat anymore. My moods switch instantly too, I don't know what to do. It's bad that I say I don't want the sadness to go away it's become apart of me but then my other half, my old me, is crying loudly to get out. 

I don't know

I've tried to keep up with this and write what I feel but it has been so hard. I'm really starting to think when my death will come like it might be soon? I don't know. I've tried to write notes to people but I can't do it. I feel so lonely but I smile and laugh everyday I know I can still do that stuff but im still sad at the end of the day. I took in cutting but my scars have healed since the last time. I'm constantly worrying about my weight too. 

I'm tired of talking to people, hell im tired of just writing this. I don't feel like writing maybe another day. 

I'm sorry

I want to say my sister did this, but I know she didn't. these scars hurt for the moment but will stay forever. I wish I would have gone with my parents. I miss them so much. I don't want to be here, I want to be with someone who cares and I don't think I have anyone like that. Yes I have Diana, Jackie, Daniela, and more but I feel like I bother them too much, all I do is cause problems. It's the third or second night I've cried. well in a row. I don't want to be here. I want to be alone, and I want to sleep and have no worries. Why can't I just be happy and know afterward everything will be fine, everything. And I don't want to be told it while I'm on earth because it is a lie. I want to go somewhere where I don't need to worry

music.. is probably my best friend. Ed sheeran, wow. "When I need to get home, you're my guiding light" Why don't I have a guiding light... Set me free, someone.

No strength

What I told myself ? This isn't suppose to happen not anymore. I just don't have this strength to hold on.. It's happening and I can't do anything about it. I've told my friends. 3 of them. Only ones I trust. Two days ago I broke down, I was close to getting pills, I imagined my mom coming in, "what's wrong?!" & I screamed "I want to die" and I told my boys, "I love you guys so much" & I hit myself with my pillow and I cried harder than ever. I was ready to die, happiness or die giving up? I didn't even know anymore. & truth be told I don't know right now either.
I want to help people over come this they go before me, I had my chance I took it and now I'm sinking. I'm an idiot. Whatever happens I hope I managed to save a few lives. I hope more live on and say I beat this, and help more people. Wouldn't that be... Amazing? Well... I make no promises. Also I was cutting this apple & I was close to the stove & I told my mom, "Mom! The stove is going to burn me and I'm gonna die!" What she responded, "Stop being silly! You're too young to die."
I was prepared to cry right then and there, "Too young to die." Mom you have no idea what has been happening, I love you but I might do something stupid and I hope one day after I do it, you'll forgive me.

It's happening again.

It's happening. I can see the way Im getting sadder. The moment I feel that I can't get help anymore how worthless everything seems..
Im so scared.
I don't want to pull more fake smiles and fake laughs anymore...
Im shaking and crying as I type this.. It's happening and I can't control it anymore.

Suicide

Someone tweeted I'm so sorry.. No one knew what she was talking about and she later tweeted 'Tell the boys I love them' & 'I've lost count on how many pills I've taken' she's gone. I just can't believe this, I'm crying in tears. How can someone just end their life like that, she was apart of our fandom, she was literally family. It's like losing a sister, I didn't know her but she was a person a human being and I care. Now she's gone...
RIP. <3 you're in a better place sweetheart.

Desire to stay fit

I just want to be skinny, I just want to be able to wear what I'd like and be happy about it! I just can't seem to do that so much. It makes me feel so insecure & I'm trying to lose the fat I have & don't need by exercising but sometimes I have those days where I'm like 'Why am I trying?' & it's so weird. It brings me down so much, and I don't want to go back to being depressed, I will not. Many people aren't lucky by getting out of depression like me, so I will fight to stay strong. I will not bring myself down just because I want to be fit. I will not allow it.
I will achieve what I want by being strong.

Wow.

I haven't written in such a long time, I look back at every post and see how depressed and alone I felt. It makes me want to cry just reading all of it. I was so silly & confused, I'm just so glad to no longer be depressed. Without my brother and my friend by my side, I wouldn't be alive. I should thank them every single day. I love them and I just don't know what I would do without them. 

I see the post about me being heartbroken. tears my heart apart, I'm finally over him. How and when did this happen? It's so strange. 

I'm someone new now, I write a fanfiction as silly as that may seem but it's actually doing quite well, it has a lot of reads and a lot of people depend on my to update every now & then. It's great because writing is just my passion. I love it. 

I have new friends. I'm me now. No more crying. No more suffering. I got tired of being quiet and alone, I want to be me, loud and crazy. I'm tired of hiding who I am... This new person, I like her a lot. Well it has its struggles but I'm trying my best to manage them, I really am. 
Everyday is new opportunity and I have to say, I'm not going to take any day for granted anymore. 

 

Missing my friends

I miss them so much.. I can't explain how much... I just want to see them again. I really want to see one friend mainly.... Hes the sweetest person ever and he's the one person I'm dying to see. I have dreams about him and I just miss more and more... I explain to one of my other friends that I miss him and she tells me I'll see him soon...
Everyday I have to tell her about him.. I've messed up this kind of thing before and I don't want to mess up a second time... I just need to see him and talk to him. I miss him so much. The pain of not seeing him hurts so much. I just want to hug him, share laughs, talk, and just be together. I miss other friends of course, but I talk to them once awhile. So I'm not too sad about missing them. Being sad all the time and my family just stare at me and wonder... I guess the teenage years do that.
#IMissmyBro.

Decider

I hate it when someone asks me a question and I feel like a decider, so important and noble. Then I say what I feel and then you get mad at me? Really.? You just asked me, and I'm telling you how I feel. It's my opinion, don't like it.? That's your problem. Don't like it, good for you. I know you weren't going to listen to me,but I wanted to help you. If you have issues, save it for someone else. I'm done. Save the drama for your mama. ;) 
#Not letting your problems ruin my life, Thank you very much :P

What a friend.

That moment when your friend is like you can trust me and well talk if you have anything to say. Then when you're like okay... I have a secret ... And their like what is it and I tell them and all they say is ok or oh. It's like really? You make me think like you care and in the end all you say is oh. I'm just standing and staring at her like a idiot waiting for her to say something. It's like da f*** man.

Why....?

While thinking about it... Why am I depressed? Well maybe because kicking me out of my house makes me feel lonely. Then being around my nephews and trying hard not to cry or trying to hide my tears, it's hard. How about always being compared to your older brothers and sisters. Like being told why can't I be like my sister, she's been going to college and becoming a doctor. I'm just like sorry. What should I have to say? I try my hardest to be as tough as all of them but my bad if I cry over "stupid things" like you say. Also finding out the guy you love doesn't think about you or even care about you. It kills me. Crying over dumb things for what? In the end I don't feel any different. It never gets different.
That's why.

One can only dream...

I dream about him over and over again. I love each one though. Like one of him, my best friend and me. We're holding hands and together and me crying because I finally got what I really wanted in my life. Its been two years, I'm young and I fall too hard for guys but he's different he was there for me. He was nice and caring. He was perfect. I messed it all up and I wish I could take it back. Probably right now instead of typing this, I could have been texting him right now... I honestly picture everything with him. I feel like he's the one. Even though he might not feel the same. Something in me doesn't let me forget him. I'm not going through a phase. I honestly feel this way. I picture my life with him. I'd do anything for him. I just wish I could forget about everything. If I can't even talk to him once again. Then I wish I could forget everything. I just don't want to feel more hurt than I already am. I wish he knew though...

'I wish that I could meet Drake. He inspires me, he gets me through everything. Literally. If I'm mad, sad, lonely, happy I get my Ipod and listen to his album Take Care. My favorite songs Marvin's Room, Make Me Proud, Take Care, Doing it Wrong, Headlines, Shot for Me, and HYFR. They're my favorite including Motto. I just love it. He understands that life is hard but you could through it, and he especially has a really good experience with women.
"Now she wanna photo you alreaday know though,you only live once that's the motto, YOLO."  
I love Drake. He knows what life is, and he puts it in his music to show other people. To me his whole thing is like... There's going to be a lot of c**p in your life but it gets better in the end. 
#Y O L O

I love him.

 I'm sure I do. He's so perfect. Just him and everything he is. He has that way of making me smile for no reason. Well he did. We don't talk because I ruined it. But he has this way of me just hearing him laugh and smile and then I have the urge to do the same. He makes my heart beat faster when I say his name. I love what he does to get my attention but he doesn't try anymore. Out of all the guys I talk to, why couldn't he be one of them . Except he wouldn't be just a guy I talk to he'd be the one I want to be with and share everything with. I clearly do love him after two years but apparently he's gotten over it. We had something and I know we did, but I can't get over the fact that we left something unsaid. Something that we had to say to each other before we stopped talking. I guess we'll never know what it meant though. But just in case I'm going to have my head held high for you to notice.
O.L <3
#Heartbroken

My bad?

He's starting to like me I think. I don't like him though, he's a really good friend and he's really helpful and funny. But not my type. I only have one guy right now that goes through my mind and he doesn't talk to me. Out of all the guys that talk to me, why not him? But about this guy that's starting to like me.... he's trying a little bit too hard. I've only known him for 2-3 weeks. Today he asked me "Want me to massage your back?" And note I was wearing an open back shirt and I said "NO! *laugh*" I didn't want to be mean or anything. but it was so Awkward!!! Then my friend asked me " Do you like him?" Me: "No." her: "Come on" Me: "I like him as a friend." And he was right in front of me and he heard our convo! The whole time he didn't talk to me. I really do like him as a friend ONLY. I just don't want to hurt his feelings. and I don't want to lose a friend.

Loving it

My goal for this year was to be less shy and be myself. And I think I'm heading in the right direction. I love it. More people talk to me. I have to say people I didn't even know talk to me now. Like a guy I've mentioned before he said, "You talk a lot more" And before I was that shy girl sitting in the front of the class and people were actually shocked when I talked. One of them even said "She talks!?" It made me laugh. I have to say my life is much easier now. My depression is slowly disappearing but its not gone I always have my moments where I can't take it. Like today a Dj and a drummer came to school. Before I would have been too afraid to even get up to dance. But now, I was the one to start dancing and go near the Dj to dance. It was one of the best moments in my life. One I definitely would remember. I love how guys also talk to me, but also one of them starting to like me.... but thats for another post. I guess I just really needed a little bit of attention to fix my life more. Well I am a girl, what do you expect? 

Positive?

 Why can't life just be perfect? It would definitely make everything easier. Life always has those times when you fall. But half the time you never really fell you just tripped. But when you just completely fall and fell on your face is when you've taken enough. People end their lives because they thought they fell but in reality think of all the people that suffer from cancer or only have a number of days to live, they didn't fall and they're going to keep trying hard to fight it off. So, to some people that think they've fallen, think about everyone..... now who really has it worse? I'm not saying having cancer or anything like that is falling, it isn't, I'm sure you're trying hard to fight it off. To everyone, just because you had something bad happen, don't do anything you'll regret, think everything over and enjoy what you have. 

~ Izzaybel 

Hurting is what I do best

Well, its true. I hurt myself, I discourage myself. I make myself think other people are better than me . I always feel like they're up on top of the mountain and I'm always the one falling down over and over again. I wish I could just fly in the clouds like Anna Blue says in her song.    It shows that I could do anything and I'm on top of the world. Thinking about it makes me smile. 
Pain, of course it hurts. It hurts real bad. Seriously. I wish it never existed. I Know I'm not the only one either too. I just wish I could stop and relax but it is never going to happen. 
My definition of pain? A feeling that no one wants to have, suffering. I would have made it more descriptive but no one would understand. 

Stupid People...

The stupid people in this world. What gives you the right to talk about my family like that? I hate you and I promise you, you'll get what you deserve. I cannot stand you I wish that you just leave my life forever. You were never a friend! You were just using my family. I just wish that you get what you deserve already... Just don't even bother looking at me anymore, because if you do... Trust me we're going to have more problems than there already are. SAying stuff that never happened. Its low, and you're stupid, don't say I am because you are, saying lies and getting other people in trouble. I trusted you I told you my problems and you used me. I hope you're happy now because now I can't trust anyone. You don't know half the things I go through, so shut up and don't look at me and go tell lies to people that care. You're a waste of time, no one will ever like you, leave and shut up. Don't even bother saying sorry later on, because I promise you I will remember this day with all your lies for the rest of my life. I don't care what you say about me but once you say stuff about my family, you're in big trouble with me. Be careful is your warning from me. If you keep it up, watch out. I HATE YOU.! People these days. All they do is say lies.
#Pissed off...