Missing my friends

I miss them so much.. I can't explain how much... I just want to see them again. I really want to see one friend mainly.... Hes the sweetest person ever and he's the one person I'm dying to see. I have dreams about him and I just miss more and more... I explain to one of my other friends that I miss him and she tells me I'll see him soon...
Everyday I have to tell her about him.. I've messed up this kind of thing before and I don't want to mess up a second time... I just need to see him and talk to him. I miss him so much. The pain of not seeing him hurts so much. I just want to hug him, share laughs, talk, and just be together. I miss other friends of course, but I talk to them once awhile. So I'm not too sad about missing them. Being sad all the time and my family just stare at me and wonder... I guess the teenage years do that.
#IMissmyBro.

Decider

I hate it when someone asks me a question and I feel like a decider, so important and noble. Then I say what I feel and then you get mad at me? Really.? You just asked me, and I'm telling you how I feel. It's my opinion, don't like it.? That's your problem. Don't like it, good for you. I know you weren't going to listen to me,but I wanted to help you. If you have issues, save it for someone else. I'm done. Save the drama for your mama. ;) 
#Not letting your problems ruin my life, Thank you very much :P

What a friend.

That moment when your friend is like you can trust me and well talk if you have anything to say. Then when you're like okay... I have a secret ... And their like what is it and I tell them and all they say is ok or oh. It's like really? You make me think like you care and in the end all you say is oh. I'm just standing and staring at her like a idiot waiting for her to say something. It's like da f*** man.

Why....?

While thinking about it... Why am I depressed? Well maybe because kicking me out of my house makes me feel lonely. Then being around my nephews and trying hard not to cry or trying to hide my tears, it's hard. How about always being compared to your older brothers and sisters. Like being told why can't I be like my sister, she's been going to college and becoming a doctor. I'm just like sorry. What should I have to say? I try my hardest to be as tough as all of them but my bad if I cry over "stupid things" like you say. Also finding out the guy you love doesn't think about you or even care about you. It kills me. Crying over dumb things for what? In the end I don't feel any different. It never gets different.
That's why.

One can only dream...

I dream about him over and over again. I love each one though. Like one of him, my best friend and me. We're holding hands and together and me crying because I finally got what I really wanted in my life. Its been two years, I'm young and I fall too hard for guys but he's different he was there for me. He was nice and caring. He was perfect. I messed it all up and I wish I could take it back. Probably right now instead of typing this, I could have been texting him right now... I honestly picture everything with him. I feel like he's the one. Even though he might not feel the same. Something in me doesn't let me forget him. I'm not going through a phase. I honestly feel this way. I picture my life with him. I'd do anything for him. I just wish I could forget about everything. If I can't even talk to him once again. Then I wish I could forget everything. I just don't want to feel more hurt than I already am. I wish he knew though...

'I wish that I could meet Drake. He inspires me, he gets me through everything. Literally. If I'm mad, sad, lonely, happy I get my Ipod and listen to his album Take Care. My favorite songs Marvin's Room, Make Me Proud, Take Care, Doing it Wrong, Headlines, Shot for Me, and HYFR. They're my favorite including Motto. I just love it. He understands that life is hard but you could through it, and he especially has a really good experience with women.
"Now she wanna photo you alreaday know though,you only live once that's the motto, YOLO."  
I love Drake. He knows what life is, and he puts it in his music to show other people. To me his whole thing is like... There's going to be a lot of c**p in your life but it gets better in the end. 
#Y O L O

I love him.

 I'm sure I do. He's so perfect. Just him and everything he is. He has that way of making me smile for no reason. Well he did. We don't talk because I ruined it. But he has this way of me just hearing him laugh and smile and then I have the urge to do the same. He makes my heart beat faster when I say his name. I love what he does to get my attention but he doesn't try anymore. Out of all the guys I talk to, why couldn't he be one of them . Except he wouldn't be just a guy I talk to he'd be the one I want to be with and share everything with. I clearly do love him after two years but apparently he's gotten over it. We had something and I know we did, but I can't get over the fact that we left something unsaid. Something that we had to say to each other before we stopped talking. I guess we'll never know what it meant though. But just in case I'm going to have my head held high for you to notice.
O.L <3
#Heartbroken

My bad?

He's starting to like me I think. I don't like him though, he's a really good friend and he's really helpful and funny. But not my type. I only have one guy right now that goes through my mind and he doesn't talk to me. Out of all the guys that talk to me, why not him? But about this guy that's starting to like me.... he's trying a little bit too hard. I've only known him for 2-3 weeks. Today he asked me "Want me to massage your back?" And note I was wearing an open back shirt and I said "NO! *laugh*" I didn't want to be mean or anything. but it was so Awkward!!! Then my friend asked me " Do you like him?" Me: "No." her: "Come on" Me: "I like him as a friend." And he was right in front of me and he heard our convo! The whole time he didn't talk to me. I really do like him as a friend ONLY. I just don't want to hurt his feelings. and I don't want to lose a friend.

Loving it

My goal for this year was to be less shy and be myself. And I think I'm heading in the right direction. I love it. More people talk to me. I have to say people I didn't even know talk to me now. Like a guy I've mentioned before he said, "You talk a lot more" And before I was that shy girl sitting in the front of the class and people were actually shocked when I talked. One of them even said "She talks!?" It made me laugh. I have to say my life is much easier now. My depression is slowly disappearing but its not gone I always have my moments where I can't take it. Like today a Dj and a drummer came to school. Before I would have been too afraid to even get up to dance. But now, I was the one to start dancing and go near the Dj to dance. It was one of the best moments in my life. One I definitely would remember. I love how guys also talk to me, but also one of them starting to like me.... but thats for another post. I guess I just really needed a little bit of attention to fix my life more. Well I am a girl, what do you expect? 

Positive?

 Why can't life just be perfect? It would definitely make everything easier. Life always has those times when you fall. But half the time you never really fell you just tripped. But when you just completely fall and fell on your face is when you've taken enough. People end their lives because they thought they fell but in reality think of all the people that suffer from cancer or only have a number of days to live, they didn't fall and they're going to keep trying hard to fight it off. So, to some people that think they've fallen, think about everyone..... now who really has it worse? I'm not saying having cancer or anything like that is falling, it isn't, I'm sure you're trying hard to fight it off. To everyone, just because you had something bad happen, don't do anything you'll regret, think everything over and enjoy what you have. 

~ Izzaybel 

Hurting is what I do best

Well, its true. I hurt myself, I discourage myself. I make myself think other people are better than me . I always feel like they're up on top of the mountain and I'm always the one falling down over and over again. I wish I could just fly in the clouds like Anna Blue says in her song.    It shows that I could do anything and I'm on top of the world. Thinking about it makes me smile. 
Pain, of course it hurts. It hurts real bad. Seriously. I wish it never existed. I Know I'm not the only one either too. I just wish I could stop and relax but it is never going to happen. 
My definition of pain? A feeling that no one wants to have, suffering. I would have made it more descriptive but no one would understand. 

Stupid People...

The stupid people in this world. What gives you the right to talk about my family like that? I hate you and I promise you, you'll get what you deserve. I cannot stand you I wish that you just leave my life forever. You were never a friend! You were just using my family. I just wish that you get what you deserve already... Just don't even bother looking at me anymore, because if you do... Trust me we're going to have more problems than there already are. SAying stuff that never happened. Its low, and you're stupid, don't say I am because you are, saying lies and getting other people in trouble. I trusted you I told you my problems and you used me. I hope you're happy now because now I can't trust anyone. You don't know half the things I go through, so shut up and don't look at me and go tell lies to people that care. You're a waste of time, no one will ever like you, leave and shut up. Don't even bother saying sorry later on, because I promise you I will remember this day with all your lies for the rest of my life. I don't care what you say about me but once you say stuff about my family, you're in big trouble with me. Be careful is your warning from me. If you keep it up, watch out. I HATE YOU.! People these days. All they do is say lies.
#Pissed off... 

The Worst Dream

The first time I actually get to dream, it's the worst one. My dream:
I'm in a room that changes into furniture store. With the guy I like and we see the family of our old best friend. We ask them where he is and he points to him. He was laying on a couch dead asleep. I make a squeaky noise and i run to him (my old best friend) and hug him and he wakes up. I don't think he was happy to see me... but he missed the guy i like which was his best friend too. Then we open a door and we enter and the walls close. It looks like a jail cell. Then the guy i like sits on the ground and appears the girl that likes him, then I feel jealousy just pour onto me. I talk to my old best friend i say "I admit I use to like him and we talked a lot and now..." He looks at the guy i like and the girl. I look and I see her flirting and kissing him.
I wake up because I couldn't take seeing it anymore. I always say its just best to forget but I can't! He keeps coming back to my mind. I don't think I could sleep from now on.. If I have another dream like that. </3
#Heartbroken </3

Perfect Day... Week

I love today! To start off, I had an amazing time with my friends, and a guy in my math class said " I love you, you're a true buddy" (: That was what made my day. Haha. But I mean so far this week it's been perfect. I love it! I love how on Tuesday, we played a game and my team looked at me and one of them said "You're the smartest one here" even though I didnt know the answers... But we got 2nd place! On Monday, these guys were surrounding me and one of them kept looking at me... Yeah it was awkward. The worst was when people look at me for awhile I smile... Yeah and he's my friends boyfriend. But I know he was just doing it to be nice. I have to say I love when people give me attention.  I don't really get as much attention so it was nice that it changed up. Hopefully it goes like this from now on... maybe?
#Swagg 

Depression

I have to admit, I have depression. It was hard to admit it but why? I have to say I made fun of commercials that I saw, and then seeing how they were sad and just so tired all the time. I get it, it's not easy when you actually have the disorder. I'm so tired all the time, and sad. I even cry for no reason at all. I actually had to sleep in my parents room because I was scared, and why? I don't know. I was feeling weird well not weird because I'm used to the feeling. But, I can't explain it. People think that its a phase that preteens or teens have in their life but it isnt! It's more than just a "phase" when you're so scared that you have to sleep with your parents even though you had a choice to pick your room or your parents. I'm almost 13! For me this is not normal. I shake as if I'm freezing. 
I'm always sleepy and tired but I have problems sleeping so.? I almost never eat, I never talk to my family, and I lost my sense of excitement too. Shouldn't every kid be excited for Christmas? Well, I'm not well  at least not anymore. I wish I was like any ordinary 12-13 year old. Why did I have to have this happen to me?! I always put a smile when I see family just so they know "I'm ok" But it's all lies. If I tell someone, (which I probably won't) I know that it would just put my family in more issues than what we already are in. I don't know what to do anymore. 

...

Knowing someone you care about and love is going through the same things as you are. It hurts. Its one of the worst pain that anyone could have. I'm scared, Life tells you to do watever the hell it wants you to do. Well Im scared that lifes gonna tell me to end mine. Its not easy, I use to make fun but actually having it hurts. I talk through it with my friend andi guess talking doesnt help. Im scared and I dont know what im feeling. Lonely? Scared? I dont know. Hopefully we both get through the night. 

Love Hurts

I keep thinking to myself, "If you love him, let him go. If he comes back he was always mine." But I also think to myself, If i let him go, would he come back? I love him with all my heart but what if it did happen. Every time  I think about him or say his name, I feel my heart beat faster literally. I wish I knew his feelings... and I wish he knew mine. </3

R.I.P

Sadness fills the room, in realization that he's gone. He may not be with us but he will surely be remembered. Although he only lived 7 months, I got too attached as any person would. He died 1/19/12 may he rest in peace. Seeing him... not a breath comes out... I miss seeing him. Yes, he was small, and not noticed very much and our pet cat loved him. He is in a better place now. He will be missed by everyone. He had a space in my heart, which can't be filled by anyone or anything. May he rest in peace.   Chicharito Gonzalez  9/4/11-1/19/12 
The fish that lived 7 months. I love you...

True Feelings

People think I'm an ordinary girl and I'm brave, but I'm not. I say I'll take a punch any day, but I'd think I'd cry within the first punch. Haha. But it is true, I'm terrified of just getting in trouble at school. I'm very difficult to understand, I guess I'm just one of a kind.  

Lie.

I live a lie. Most people know me as a quiet person, only my friends know me truly. Or so they think. Not even family knows me. It's my lie. The only people in on it is Me, myself, and I.

No one knows, sometimes I get scared that people would find out the truth but no one ever does. I want to stop it but I keep forcing myself to continue. I just can't though because my life would just mean nothing again. I wish I could tell someone, but it just seems like you can't trust anyone. It's a ridiculous lie, my friends think its real but it's not. Sometimes I get scared, I feel terrible.... No, the word for what I feel about it is something I can't describe. I feel trapped with this lie like a

butterfly trying to escape the net. The trick is that it never escapes. I cannot tell anyone, everyone would hate Me, I don't want to lose my friends. Even a note my cousin, who is my best friend, writes "I could trust you because I know you're not a liar." Each and every time I read it, I feel like I could just die knowing they don't know the truth.  

Him

Him, he's adorable, funny, the best smile, mysterious, HILARIOUS!, and he listens, he doesnt get mad.... Sounds like the perfect guy right? He is, thats why I love him. I met him 2 years ago,we were best friends, he listened and when i got hurt and got scars he didnt care he asked if i was ok and that was that he acted completely normal. He knows i dont like taking attention, he got that. If i talked he'd stare into my eyes and laugh at the lamest jokes i had. When he laughed I laughed just because i got to hear his laugh. He was so nice! He was perfect. And I loved him. On facebook, we talked for the longest time. The most time was 7 hours and  sometimes it lasted 2-6 hours. The only reason we stopped at like 6 hours was because we had dinner. The next day we talked more and more. He was my best friend. Now we dont talk. Its sad. And i miss him. I try to talk but he's always around that other girl. I dont hate her, im  just jealous. 

It's just a life...

It's just my life. I hate it most of the time. Sometimes I wonder if its even worth it. I dont know but I know if I'm here, I'm here for a reason. I dont like it because my life's a lie. At times I love my life but only to let other people know I'm fine. Behind my smile, It's just a girl slowly dying. It may just be a life but It's my life, and I'm going spend each and every day like it's my last.